jokes and humor

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and after while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

husband askes wife .."can you tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time ?" ....

wife replys " you have the biggest dick in this town"

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers; the woman says, 'So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! But, you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'

The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolis hed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'

The woman replies, 'No, I think I'll just wait for the police....'

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.

A drunk man smelling strongly of beer sat down on a tube seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest looks at him steadily for a bit, and then replies:

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with dirty prostitutes and a lack of bathing."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised;

"I'm very sorry, my Son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have
you had the arthritis?"


"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Bob goes into the public toilets and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor bugger is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Errr, OK, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your prick?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about £50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two
coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with them.

"No way!" the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven." Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbour's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"

She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down main street!" The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.

The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so terribly funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I pissed in the holy water..."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

A woman went to the doctor and asked his help to revive her man's sex drive.
"What about trying Viagara?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" she said, "he won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
"No problem" replied the doctor, "drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how things went."

A week later she returned to the doctor and the doctor inquired as to how things went.
"Oh it was horrible, just terrible, doctor."
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, ripped my knickers off and slipped me a length over the table. It was terrible."
"What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in MacDonalds again."

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said, "Quick, bring me another beer.
It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

That's it! She blows her top! "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh no - it's started!"

A group of scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.

2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally

...and had to sit down while urinating.

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the
driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your
seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive
at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)


"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimd," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."


"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,

"What makes you think it's God?"


Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the pilot, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.

Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants...

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialised in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

An Aussie, Irishman and American are about to have lunch on 35th floor of a construction site.

The Aussie opens up his lunch box to discover a vegimite sandwich, he groans "If my wife makes me another Vegimite sandwich I'm going to jump off this building"

The American opens up his lunch box and discovers a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, he turns to the 2 man and says "If my wife makes me another peanut and jelly sandwich I'm jumping off too"

The Irish mans opens his lunch box to discover a ham sandwich, he turns to the other two man and says "If I get another ham sandwich I'm jumping as well"

The next day at lunch the Aussie opens up his lunch box and finds a Vegimite sandwich, so he jumps. The American opens his lunch box finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and jumps off. The Irishman opens his lunch box and finds a ham sandwich and he jumps too.

A week later at the funeral all the wives are gathered in a circle crying.

The wife of the Aussie says 'Why did I only make him vegimite sandwiches, I could have changed it at least once?
The American wife says 'I should have made a different sandwich and not the same one every day"
The wife of the Irishman stood back in confusion, looked at the two woman and said "I don't understand it - he makes his own lunch"

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog, Muffles, lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, "Daddy, Daddy, why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."

The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today."

Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well, Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

Morris and his wife, Esther went to the state fair every year.

Every year, Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is $50 and
$50 is $50."

A few years later, Esther and Morris went to the fair. Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris, that helicopter is $50 and $50 dollars is $50."

The pilot overheard the couple. He said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word,i won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's $50."

Morris and Esther agreed --- and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but $50 is $50."

A guy is driving around Ireland and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden. The guy goes into the garden and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6 about my gift, and in no time, at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a
batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten pounds," the Paddy says.

"Ten ponds? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a fucking liar.... He never did any of that shit!!!"

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man peeing also. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man's penis.
"Sorry," says the taller man. "I'm not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I've ever seen, especially on a man so small!"
"Well," says the little man, "That's because I'm a Leprechaun! ALL Leprechauns have penises this size!"
The taller man says, "Incredible! I'd give anything if mine were that long."
"Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I'll give you your wish!"
"Gee," says the man, "I don't know about that----Aw hell with it, OK!"
Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, just humping away. "Say," says the Leprechaun, "How old are you, son?"
Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, "Uh-Uh, Thirty-two..."
"Imagine that, " says the little man, "Thirty-two and still believes in Leprechauns!"

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the
pool
and stayed there.Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the
bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act,
she considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news."
"The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life
of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a
sound mind."
"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself
in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved
him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Jason came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk (as he often did) and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave his wife a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Jason, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".
The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Jason was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Jason was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Jason, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Jason
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous SMACK on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Jason, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting the bed"