jokes and humor

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.
The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.
The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted
men. It was decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.

Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked
out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant
Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From
the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and
instructed the Sergeant Major to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical
officer placed the tape measure on the tip of his weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, "Vietnam

How many feminists does it take to change a light-bulb ?

5, 1 to change the lightbulb and 4 to suck my dick..

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them. In fact, they could only raise the staggering sum of two quid.

"Hang on, I have an idea," Murphy said.

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

"Are you crazy?" Seamus asked. "Now we don't have any money at all!"

"Don't worry," Murphy replied. "Just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson.

"Now you've lost it," Seamus said. "Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry," he said. "I have a plan."

They downed their drinks. Murphy said: "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the 10th pub, Seamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

"How do you think I feel?” Murphy replied. "I’m so drunk I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says, "It's gotta be the booze. I'm always drunk."
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy's thinking, "Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!" and runs into the room.
The second guy says, "It's the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife."
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn't believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.
The third dude says, "It's gotta be the bud. I'm always tokin' up."
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can't believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.
One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He's got an empty bottle in one hand, he's completely naked, hasn't shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. "I'll never drink again!" he says. The devil says it's good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. "I'm fucking gay!" he screams. The devil figures he's learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he's learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, "Dude ... you got a light?"

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?..........................................
castrated..

................................................................................................................

A woman chats up this guy in a bar and asks him to go back to her place.

Before they get to her place, the guy says "I'm a real pervert, r u sure about this ?"

It's OK says the (by now very hot and horny) woman and she leads him into her bedroom.

Right says the guy to the woman, I want u to wear to ur kinkiest underwear, crotchless knickers, black stockings, high heels etc etc. Put all this on and lie on the bed with the pillow over ur head and ur bum in the air.

The woman complies, getting more and more excited.

5 mins go by, nothing happens, then another 5. After 15mins, the woman wonders what is going on, so she says "what are you doing, I thought u said u were a real pervert"

"Yeah", said the guy, "I just shat in ur handbag" .....

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed? `
"Breast-fed ,"she replied. `
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. `
She did. ` He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. `
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk." `
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?..........................................
castrated.

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the pavement, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the fuck up."

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks
over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really
big.. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.'

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and
then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's
bottom. 'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the
barbecue!!!' The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. 'What's
wrong?' he asked. ..............

She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill
for one little sausage?